my parents divorce. my body. clean air. water. a home. love. my children. my gifts.  friendships. my curiosity. nursing school. running. husband. mom.  adversity overcome.  laughter.  grace.  redemption. forgiveness. freedom to live today without pain or fear. springtime.  renewal. writing. prayer.  and finally i am thankful that i had a moment today… to be thankful.

So i guess then it should come as no surprise to find that we also assess spiritual health or distress as a means of understanding a client’s well being.  I don’t know why then it was to me.  My own spirituality is extremely important to me, well or ill, and I intuitively know that it is to most humans. However,  I am constantly surprised by nursing.  My own preconceived notions about health care, its manifestation and the individuals behind it sneak up and scare me occasionally.

Anyway, I just thought the criteria for which spiritual health and distress as defined by NANDA (North American Nursing Diagnosis Association) were interesting and again let me know that nurses are trained to look much further than a diagnosis to determine health.  Anyway, in case you are interested in the criteria they are as follows:

Indicators of Spiritual Health:

Uncompromised…

faith

hope, meaning and purpose in life

achievement of spiritual world

feelings of peacefulness

ability to love

ability to forgive

ability to pray

ability to worship

spiritual experiences

participation in spiritual rites and passages

participation in  meditation

participation in spiritual reading

interaction with spiritual leaders

expression through song/music

expression through art

expression through writing

connectedness with inner-self

connectedness with others

interaction with others to share thoughts, feelings, and beliefs

Spiritual Distress:

“impaired ability to experience and integrate meaning and purpose in life through a person’s connectedness with self, others, art, music, literature, nature or a power greater than oneself.”

and so goes another rung on my health ladder.  political health. social health. community health. spiritual health.  food health.  all these things i have previously pondered upon.  blah-de-blah-de-blah.

now i am adding another…career health.

my plague?  dualism.  not self imposed necessarily but self expressed none-the-less.  here is what i have come up with:

i am the same old me, that i have always been, still am, and probably always will be.  and to tell you a little known secret… i kinda like that girl, always have.  she interests me.

this is surprising, knowing where i have been.  and especially in light of who i have become.  but i believe, this is who i have been created to be.  me.  not you.  or any version of me other than mine.  sounds pretty simple? guess it depends on who you ask.

one of my favorite songs has a line that i love.  it goes something like this..

and i’ve got no illusions about you.  guess what– i never did.  when i said that i’d take it…. i meant as is.  As Is.

I always kind of think that this is what Jesus meant.

i love this quote.  there is so much buried in these words.  i live in the south.  the south with all it’s history, it’s beauty and it’s mistakes… is my home.  i love that i live in a different south than did my mother and my daughter a different one than me.  i love that my community is becoming more diverse, even though it is not quite there.  i love that most of my peers embrace this rather than run away.  though i also live in a city with money, where white flight is still heralded as some sort of trophy.  no one would ever come out and say this, but then again, do they have to?  it is apparent.  affluence.  private.  membership.  money.  the great socio-economic divide.  which side we stand on often has more to do with availability than choice.  unfortunately.

so relating to this quote above, most of the parents i know will say they just want what is best for their child.  who doesn’t?  i just wonder if we really know what that is.  isn’t understanding better than fear?  exposure with education better than naivete–on both sides of any fence?  compassion with equality rather than service with expectations?  an appreciation for what is and what can be rather than what was or what if?  a community with different backgrounds and common goals approaching a multifaceted world equipped with commonality rather than othering?

the world we live in is more urban than ever before in history.  our kids will be exposed to more cultures, ideas, expressions, colors, faiths and people than we can imagine… even in the south of north america.  aren’t we doing them a major disservice if we don’t teach them when they are young the beauty and strength that comes from a diverse community?  i think so, but this then begs the question of how is this done?

i think it is simple.  engage.  be real. be a neighbor, friend, an equal.  be in awe of that which is different.  of which you have no hopes of ever being.  know your limits and appreciate others’.  find the exception to the rule.  the awesomeness in the difference.  and celebrate.  with a smile, appreciation and acceptance. and talk. about reality.  injustice.  stereotypes.  safety.  love.  execptions.  expectations.  actions and reactions.  human interaction.  individuality. and that judgement is reserved for God alone.  not me.

there is power in knowing that just because someone isn’t like me, doesn’t mean that they are going to shoot me, or convert me, or hate me or judge me.  that just maybe they are beginning to suspect that i represent the beauty of diversity as well.   my 6 year old seems to get this intuitively.   The way she perceives her classmates and others is quite lovely.   it is up to me and society to change that, which inevitably we do.  i have so much power in shaping my kids’ perception of the world–both with intention and without.

here’s to hoping that whatever she gets from me will preserve one of the most beautiful things one human can allow another… dignity.

i don’t know what my choices will lend in her life, but it is this one that i fiercely believe is important and hope to foster.  God’s work on earth.. to show His people love, all His people.

they aren’t abundant, beautiful, flavorful, luscious as in spring, summer and fall.  they are more scarce, canned and quite simply boring.  now don’t get me wrong.  i love me some soup but unlike a bountiful salad, it gets old.  and i can’t help but think, more calorie-ful.  frozen veggies or the supermarket variety just doesn’t have the same va- va-va-voom as fresh from the farm or at least the farmer’s market.  ok, i will stop.  i am pining.

what i do appreciate about veggies in the winter is that they inspire your creativity, ingenuity and down right faith.  So tonight, after a peanut-butter laden, veggie-less day I wrestled all three of those ingredients down to come up with a mighty hefty, delicious veggie burrito.  the kind that would just be too hot-n-heavy in the summertime but hits the spot on a slushy winter’s eve.

Here’s the recipe:

(these are just the ingredients we had on hand, i think you can mix and match with great results)

2 tsp olive oil

2 carrots sliced thin

2 small zucchini quartered

1 small head broccoli

1 diced green pepper

1/2 onion diced

2 cloves garlic diced

2 small head broccoli — chopped fine

1 can black beans (drained and rinsed–colander)

1/4 cup light sour cream

1/2 cup shredded mozzarella or other cheese

3/4 cup salsa (we used a green chili semi- homemade version)

5 slices new york sharp cheddar

6 large flour tortillas

Sautee oil, all veggies, garlic and beans over medium-high heat until soft.   season with salt and pepper.

mix sour cream with salsa in a separate bowl.   spread 1/4 cup on bottom of 9×13 baking dish.

Lay tortilla flat, fill with one slice cheese and 1/4 veggie, bean mix.  Fold right and left side in first the roll front to back to make burrito. Place in baking dish.

Fill baking dish until burritos are packed tight.  For me this was 6, but it probably depends on your tortilla size and how stuffed your burritos are.

Top with remaining salsa mixture, spreading evenly over burrtios.

Sprinkle shredded cheese over burritos.

Cover with foil and bake 30.

Semi-Homemade Green Chili:

1 can cannellini beans

1 8oz can salsa verde

1 4oz can green chilis

1 can whole kernel corn (drained)

3 tomatoes diced (or canned and drained)

2 T corn starch (to thicken)

2 cloves garlic minced

1/4 cup veggie or chicken stock (my husband makes this, so we used chicken)

i simply refuse to believe this.

what i believe is right probably won’t change (at least too much) though I am open to the suggestion that the methods of which this ‘whatever’ are accomplished will.  it has proved to be true so far.  the older i get the more complicated things seem.  black and white never existed but i am beginning to wonder about shades of gray as well.

the older i get, the less i really know.  and that is the only thing i know for sure…. that i don’t.

values, beliefs, morals, ethics.  these topics have my attention tonight.  where does right stop and wrong start.  i know we all think we have the corner on the market but the world is round.  maybe it just depends on the lens.  maybe i am a relativist with an idealist slant.

must be.

“…everything can be taken from a man but one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

-Victor Frankl

i immediately jumped out of my car and approached the gal, who was clearly flustered.  i asked her if she was alright, got her information and reassured her that it was ok  ‘accidents happen’.  i was totally fine.  cold.  inconvenienced, but fine.  when we said our goodbyes and I walked away, she thanked me.  how odd.  her day was obviously messed up (i think it was her boyfriend’s car) but she paused and thanked me.

this got me to thinking.  why did she do that?  here’s what I have come up with… unexpected grace.

she made a mistake.  she could have hurt me (and herself).  she damaged my car.  she damaged his car.  but no one screamed.  no one yelled.  no one called her names.  no one made her feel guilty for something that could happen to any one of us.  that in a nutshell is grace.

do i always respond appropriately?  no.  why today?  who knows, but it has made an impact on me.  her simple thank you was enough to remind me that though we don’t deserve it, grace, when received is amazing.  it is offered to us every single day.  and even though we may accept it, i don’t know we fully grasp the gift, the freedom, and the love that is behind it.

here is what i wonder.  today, the driver knew that she had made a mistake (against me, if you will) but I didn’t accuse her.  She will most likely fix the damages but there wasn’t anger or blame in our interaction.  she knew both.  I wonder if we ever fully know of what we are forgiven, how deep God’s grace is for us?  I doubt that it is always as black and white as we think.

Secondly, I wonder if we really trust God’s grace.  Today, in our interaction, the other driver clearly knew I wasn’t angry.  But between us and God, how do we really know?   We can’t see him.   We just have to take his grace on faith.   even more tricky.

so here is my take away.  God in me, the Holy Spirit, offered grace to that woman today.  I know this because I know me.  God is gracious and I, without Him, am not.  This is how my faith for His grace grows.  I hope her’s did today as well.

Yesterday, while running with a friend, we were discussing engaging with God in what He is doing.  To me,  this is it.  In every action, reaction, interaction, I believe that we have opportunities.  Opportunities to move with God and let him lead or to engage with our own selfishness.   Whatever the situation, which varies as much as the world, we can choose to be with Him or with ourselves.

I don’t think this has to mean that we can’t be honest.  To express our emotions, opinions, or our concerns.  But i do believe there is probably is my way then there is a better way.

i hope i choose wisely.

so.

tattoo me please with poems of innisfree .  with things you see in me.  remember.  tell me a story of what it felt like.  tell.  ask me a question. call me a name.  sing me song. won’t you please.  sit with me in silence,  i’d rather be alone. tell.  with coffee. or beer. or tell it to me here. just tell.  a sorrow. a joy. a powerful lament. the days that you have spent.  tell.

but it is small. happy. shiny.  and today i don’t feel small. happy. shiny.  i feel real.

yesterday, when i wrote my letter,  i felt like i was listening to God.  today, i feel like i need to get alone and pray.  do you ever feel like that but don’t want to do it?  i do.

maybe my christmas letter is misrepresenting me.   maybe i should say this instead:

sometimes, when i think i am following God, things don’t always fall smoothly into place. then it makes me mad.  and sad.  and makes me realize how much i need him in the first place.  because i… am a fuck up by nature.  if given my way, i always choose the long road because I am stubbon and think I am right.  but if i lay my pride down I realize that right doesn’t always look the way i think it should. and perfect is only a mirage.  love and grace and mercy are from God.  not perfection.